“There are substitutes for oil…There is no substitute for fresh water.” Paul Ehrlich

The newest shit storm is the only appropriate thing I could start with.  So after the week of him continuing to drink and getting served with a Temporary Restraining order–which, FYI, I only had drawn up by my lawyer to protect that “what if??” he decided to drive with the boys in his car while drunk?  NOT to be a bitch and take the boys away from him.  Not that at all.  To protect our kids.  Right.  But, when he was served, it immediately became that I AM A FUCKING BITCH AND HOW GOD DAMNED DARE YOU.  YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT AND TAKE THE KIDS WITH YOU.

So, Friday night, I packed the boys up and we spent the night at my Mom’s 2 bedroom apartment.  Did I want to?  No.  Taking our oldest (who has ADHD and anxiety) out of his routine totally screws him up.  But it needed to be done.  We went home (if you can call it that anymore) Saturday and Saturday and Sunday morning were actually nice.  Wait.   Scratch that.  I rented a movie for the boys to watch and for us.  But he chose to sit outside for an hour and drink and by the time he was ready for a movie, I was asleep.  Sunday we tried a family lunch, but I told him to pay for his booze and that just set him off.  The fact that I would not/could not leave the boys with him while I went to the grocery store just made it worse.

So this week has been nothing but threats of I won’t go to rehab until you take the TRO away.  You’re such a dumb bitch.  God, why did I marry you?  I could have done so much better than you?  That is all at night.  But, in the morning, when he’s sober, he sends me love songs like Kenny Rogers “Through The Years” and George Strait’s “Wrapped.”  But it’s a never ending cycle.  Yesterday was the swirling shit storm.  He knew we were supposed to go to court today.  So my lawyer tried to get a temporary settlement of things to ensure his rehab visits he had planned today could go off without a hitch and that the boys were safe.  It was ALL GOOD until I refused to drive the boys up EVERY SINGLE WEEK to take the boys to see him.  It’s a 4 hour drive.  Each way.  I offered every other.  Like what he’ll get in custody.  THIS ASSHOLE DECIDED TO TELL ME HE WOULD CALL CPS ON ME (now keep in mind, I do everything for our boys.  I have never, would never, can’t ever hurt them) AND TELL THEM I AM A BAD MOM.  All because of this issue.  That he would rather them go into foster care where they could be raped and molested so he could get what he wanted.  And that he was okay with the hurt and pain he was causing me.

So.  After sobbing and telling him how much I hate him with every fiber in my body, I told my lawyer I’d do 3 visits a month.  It gets him out of the house and away from us.  I no longer know who this person is.  he is not the funny, charismatic, sweet man I married.  I don’t crave him like I used to.  I don’t miss his touch or need him laying by my side at night.  The sound of his voice used to give me butterflies and make my heart beat faster.  Now it just makes me flinch.  He was supposed to be my best friend. For the rest of my life.  The peanut butter to my jelly.

Now, he’s become the oil to my water.



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